Director Arwen Yoon is a danger to MUNUM

By: Adi Balaji

It seems as though the pirate council has unraveled, with director Arwen Yoon being the center of chaos. Upon receiving an anonymous note that called Ms. Yoon “Most likely to play League of Legends”, she went on a rampage calling League of Legends players the scum of the Earth, and that PC players are inferior to console players. This exposes Ms. Yoon’s ‘console-ist’ rhetoric, and should be grounds for demotion, or being fired from the MUNUM staff. She also insulted Genshin Impact and said that she’s a Minecraft girl. This is interesting information considering that the developer of Minecraft, Mojang, has ties to North Korean money laundering syndicates. Is Ms. Yoon secretly a North Korean mafia boss wiring money to the elite of Pyongyang? 

When asked about Ms. Yoon’s opinions about popular refreshing beverage ‘Coconut Water’, water taken from the nut of the coco, Christopher Robin lookalike, Chauncey Seeger, details that Ms. Yoon believes that Coconut Water is an abhorrent, nasty drink that she would never touch. Please note that Indonesia is the world’s leading producer and exporter of coconuts. Remembering that Ms. Yoon has ties to North Korean crime syndicates and that Indonesia’s relations with North Korea have slowly been declining, and that Ms. Yoon has a raging hatred for coconut water, putting two-and-two together, it is safe to say that Arwen Yoon is plotting a nuclear strike on Jakarta, Indonesia, which will be triggering the start of the dreaded World War 3.

As of now it is unknown how much danger Arwen Yoon poses, and the United States CIA and British Scotland Yard are starting a thorough investigation into her family and her activities as MUNUM staff. Delegates, please be aware that she was caught harassing League of Legends players, and caught adding an unknown white powder, suspected to be Anthrax, into many delegates’ coconut water in an effort to curb coconut water sales. Please exercise caution in her presence as she has shown intent to harm. 

The Heart and Soul of U of M

By: Adi Balaji

The Working Paper interviewed various members of the MUNUM staff to gain insight into life at the University of Michigan. We wished to connect with the members at a personal level to understand the draw of U of M, its special quirks unique to it, and the individual experiences of students studying here. We were happy to receive a huge amount of input on why this university has so much charm to it, and why the students enjoy their lives here. Here is a transcript of the interview that details Umich students’ favorite things at the school, about Ann Arbor, and more! Please note that the interview questions were addressed to the room as a whole.

WP: Hello and good morning! Thank you very much for having me here to interview you guys! Jumping straight into it, my first question to you is, out of the hundreds of amazing schools throughout the United States, why choose U of M?

Anna Recknagel, Deputy Secretary General of Internal Affairs: I chose Michigan for a plethora of reasons. I chose it since it’s close to home, which is nice. But I also because it had all the programs that I wanted in a school: I wanted science programs, a strong arts program, a strong history department, and I got to have all 3, which is great. I also wanted a big school: I wanted the football games, the basketball games and the school spirit. I really like Ann Arbor as a city, and I really like Michigan as a school for this.

Drew Stark, Secretary of Publicity: I was looking for a school that had a lot of opportunities in the sciences, as that was something I wanted to do continue from high school. The university having its own hospital and many research opportunities was a really big draw for me. One big reason I ended up here is because most of my extended family are Spartans, and really pushed for me to go to Michigan State. I just wanted to rumble some feathers in the family. So here I am.

WP: So you’ve got the house divided thing going on at home. Pretty interesting. While we’re on the topic of big school culture, football games and schools spirit, my next question to you is, how would you describe the social life at U of M? What do you and other students do for fun around here?

Eric Payerle, USG for Crisis Committees: That’s an excellent question. You mentioned football games, so I’m in the marching band of U of M, and most of my spare time goes into marching band activities, especially during the fall. Fall in Ann Arbor is especially special because a lot of the students can enjoy the atmosphere, and go around to nearby cider mills. Going to the Arb in the winter (Nicholas Arboretum) is especially fun because you get to trudge through the snow, it’s a nice trip to make. 

Shannon Hickey, Secretary of Programming: A good thing to do for fun in U of M is joining a lot of clubs and organizations here. I figure skate with the club team, I’m in a sorority and MUNUM, of course, and so finding those communities where you can really bond with people is really helpful and is a big part of my social life.
Anna Recknagel: I definitely agree with being more involved with clubs and organizations. I found communities in MUNUM and the musical theater organization, which are both really fun. For me and my friends, we just try to find fun things to do around campus whether it’s football games, restaurants here, which are really fun, the arts events, and more. The performing arts events often have really big names come in, and it can be very entertaining.

WP: While we’re on the topic of restaurants and downtown Ann Arbor, what’s your favorite place to eat at Ann Arbor?

Ryan Jansen, Deputy Secretary General of External Affairs: For me it’s undoubtedly Baba Dari, since I absolutely love mediterranean and middle eastern food. You really can’t beat a chicken shawarma and hummus.

Celince, Secretary of Training: I also really love mediterranean options, so my favorite restaurant is Jerusalem Garden. It’s got really amazing variety!

WP: Absolutely, it’s got a really amazing environment, especially in the summer when you can sit outside. 

Hannah Albee, USG to Specialized Committees: The Tomukun Korean BBQ place is just, chef’s kiss! 

The entire room also agreed that Zingerman’s is an amazing place to get food and coffee, but only if you’re with your parents, and when they’re paying for all of it.

Drew Stark: Mani Osteria is the absolute best place to go for their Pizza and Arancini, but once again only if you’re with your parents as they drain your pockets a little bit.

WP: Of course we can’t forget to talk about ice cream, and I see in the chat that everyone agrees that Blank Slate is one of the best places to get ice cream in Ann Arbor.
Drew Stark: As someone who works in Blank Slate, my totally unbiased opinion is that Blank Slate is THE best ice cream place in Ann Arbor.

Ryan Jansen: There’s just a freshness to Blank Slate’s ice cream, and the diversity of flavors- I think there’s a caramel latte flavor- is what makes it worth it.

WP: My next question is, what’s one unique, quirky or fun thing about U of M that makes it worth coming here?

Zaid Haque, Secretary of Tech: One unique thing is that you won’t find a man in a wolf costume playing the violin on the corner of State street anywhere else. You won’t find it at any other university. 

Anna Recknagel: There’s also Reggie B. Reggie B is the love of my life. I have a pretty strong obsession with him.

WP: Thank you for your input! That sounds hilarious! My last question to you guys is, how has COVID affected life at Umich, other than distanced learning?

Ryan Jansen: Well I’ve been at home for both semesters, so not just distanced learning, but also distance from everything else: the community and friends, and trying to overcome that was pretty tough. We have to be creative and take advantage of zoom, and this kind of teaches us to appreciate people more. 

Shannon Hickey: I think the social aspect of college was the most challenging with distance learning. Staying away from friends and nice interactions in general can create anxiety, and all of us are trying to adapt to that and trying to get used to incorporating people outside our bubble.

WP: Well, that’s all the questions I have for you today. I cannot thank you enough for your time today. Thank you very much for organizing this conference for us. I really appreciate your input on life at U of M and your personal experiences being here.

If you are interested in what makes U of M special and want to ask your own questions to Michigan students log onto the staff panel tonight at 5:30 PM. Find the link at https://www.munum.org/student-panel.

If the pirates have no rum, let them eat cake!

By: Adi Balaji

In a crisis that leaves the council members dumbfounded and worried, local pirate bars and taverns shut down due to a scandal involving an inside saboteur that threatens to out the pirate council to the British Crown. Bars are not allowed to reopen until the scandal is solved. This closing of bars and taverns is very alarming to all council members mainly due to the fact that this means no more rum! The absence of a place to socialize and drink alcohol to boost their crews’ morale poses a serious threat to the stability of a pirate ship’s crew, however, pirates Mary Read and Josiah Burgess have a trick up their sleeves. 

Mary Read quickly introduced the idea of opening a secret speakeasy nearby to offer a place for pirates to socialize, drink and wind down even if bars and taverns are closed. In response to Read’s proposal, Burgess supported her initiative by volunteering his own resources. 

With that, they have launched an exciting new initiative called the “Let Them Eat Cake” directive that creates a speakeasy for the pirates that runs out of “The Jolly Pirate,” owned by a friend of Josiah Burgess, secretly serving pirate crew members rum, snacks and their brand new signature Salted Caramel Rum Cake. According to the directive, sale will be supported by the cakeria “Sweet Home Rum Cakes” and will be advertised with the help of the speakeasy’s mascot: Pretzel the Parrot. Read and Burgess’ rationale behind opening this illegal tavern is to help boost the pirates’ morale before their impending battle with the British Royal Navy. A reason for continuing alcohol sale illicitly, Burgess mentions, is to ensure that pirates who are “unhappy due to a lack of rum and their favorite pastimes” don’t go rogue and out the crew to the British Crown. 

Mary Read mentions that the main driving reason for opening her speakeasy is that “alcohol and rum cakes are a quintessential part of Pirate culture, and the whole point of [the meeting] is to preserve that culture for future generations of drunken scallywags.” Read’s words echoed throughout the entire council, allowing them to pass the “Let Them Eat Cake” directive with an outstanding 100% support. The event highlights the strength and deep roots of the pirate community. Perhaps the preservation of this deep bond and culture does indeed justify opening an illegal bar for pirates to enjoy themselves in. After all, what’s a pirate without his yo ho ho bottle of rum?

BREAKING: Tragic attempt on Phineas Bunce’s life

By: Adi Balaji

Last night at 11.53 PM there was an attempted murder of Phineas Bunce after the Blackbeard Pirate Council’s first session. Sources say that Bunce was harmed by an unidentified subject while he was having a drink at a bar near the location of the committee meeting. Taking into consideration that no one except the members of the council knew the location of the committee meetings, it is safe to assume that the attempt on Bunce’s life was made by a member of the council itself, and that this crime was politically motivated.

During the first session of the council, Phineas Bunce’s ideas seemed to be incredibly controversial among the members as it involved creating a centralized pirate body that would oversee wealth exchange between the pirates, essentially taking away some of the freedoms offered by piratism for the greater good of pirates and their lifestyle. This initiative was heavily contested by an anti-centralist bloc that formed consisting of renowned pirates such as Mary Read, Josiah Burgess, Black Bart, and Charles Vane. They strongly opposed Bunce’s original idea for a central pirate bank claiming that creating a central body such as that would create a “big pirate nation” that they did not want, and that creating a public body such as this would be “painting a target on [their] back” for the British and Spanish Navy. This forced Bunce to make changes to his initiative to accommodate the committee’s wishes of piracy to remain loosely overseen. Even still, Bunce’s directive was passed by a very narrow majority. 

The news of the attempted murder and the suspicion of an inside saboteur was delivered to the council the next morning during the second session; members had mixed reactions. Josiah Burgess, one of the pirates that strongly disagreed with Bunce’s centralist initiative, reassured the committee that he would never have committed the crime because he considers Bunce an ally, even if they have opposing ideas.

The Working Paper: “Captain Burgess, you experienced disagreements with Bunce last session. Is there a statement you would like to make regarding the attempted murder of Phineas Bunce?”

Josiah Burgess: “Bunce is a good man, great pirate, and even better friend”

The member who raised perhaps the most suspicion for this attempted murder is Charles Vane, one of the leaders of the Republic of Pirates in Nassau. Vane was one of the members that expressed strong dissent against Phineas Bunce’s ideas and did not support the formation of the Memento Mori Pirate Reserve. Throughout the second session, Vane consistently repeated that the council should not be trying to find the criminal as that is not the reason the council has gathered, and repeatedly deferred the discussion topic away from discussing the attempt of Bunce’s life. Unlike many other members, Vane refused to properly sympathize with Bunce and voice solidarity in finding the killer with him. 

WP: “Charles Vane, you experienced strong disagreements with Bunce last session. Do you have a statement to make regarding the attempted murder of Phineas Bunce?”

Charles Vane: “Bunce is a pirate of honor and he can defend himself, that is all.”

Upon additional investigation, The Working Paper found that Charles Vane has had a history of violence towards other pirates, and harsh rules on his own crew. This violence includes torture, maiming and murder of prisoners. This information definitely puts Charles Vane under the spotlight for the attempted murder of Phineas Bunce. 

As of now, there is no way to tell for certain who was the criminal involved in the attempt on Bunce’s life. The anti-centralism bloc, and Charles Vane in particular, remain under suspicion. The discussion ended on a more positive note when Phineas Bunce made motivational remarks when asked about his feelings towards the killer.

WP: “Do you have anything to say to the criminal that attempted to murder you?”

Phineas Bunce: “While you can try to attack me until the day I die, you can never bring down the pirate community because the pirate community stands strong. Stay away from all of my pirate friends on this council or I will kill you.”

The council keeps all hands on deck to continue to investigate the crime..

Sources cited:

Minster, Christopher. “Biography of Charles Vane, English Pirate.” ThoughtCo, www.thoughtco.com/biography-of-charles-vane-2136363. 

“Famous Pirate: Charles Vane.” Charles Vane - Famous Pirate - The Way of the Pirates, www.thewayofthepirates.com/famous-pirates/charles-vane/. 

Bunce’s Bank for Booty

By: Adi Balaji

As debate escalated in Blackbeard’s Pirate Council, an interesting initiative was brought to light by Pirate Phineas Bunce: The Memento Mori Pirate Reserves. These reserves would act as a bank for all pirates of the Caribbean and North Atlantic to protect their booty from seizure by the British Royal Navy. The giant controversy that arose from this initiative is the surrender of freedom that comes with being a pirate to a centralized bank that would contain their precious loot, overseen by pirates itself. A very contentious question arose: are pirates willing to surrender their loot to a bank if it means secrecy can be maintained and the ways of pirates can be preserved?

Bunce’s directive details a very intricate system of money management that involves fellow pirates surrendering two-thirds of their wealth and agreeing to maintain an oath of secrecy of their pirate life, lest 25% of their wealth be used to place a bounty upon their own head for betrayal and disloyalty. Bunce mentions that the incentive for pirates to safeguard their wealth in this banking system would be the lower chance of being outed: if all pirates are sure to use the bank for their booty, Bunce’s safety clause will ensure that the participating pirates “keep their mouths shut” about pirate life and will curb whistleblowers.

An anti-Centralist bloc that formed strongly disagreed with Bunce’s ideas for a central pirate bank. They believed that pirate groups should remain independent without any large pirate bodies. as that would take away the “freedoms that piratism provides'.” “We don’t want to become a big pirate nation, we just want a ‘loose pirate confederation’ that can lightly oversee pirate duty,” says Mary Read, a pirate who is famous for excelling as a female pirate in this male-dominated field. Josiah Burgess, the captain of the Flying Gang’ states, “for pirates, centralism is bad when it comes to things like money,” something that pirates value very much due to their dynamic and sea-farer lifestyle. Charles Vane was perhaps the most opposed to Phineas Bunce’s plan for the centralized banking system, stating that “piracy is a direct tangent to the traditional growth of society, and it would be counterintuitive for us to go the way of the traditional society.”

To handle the backlash, Bunce, of course, had to make many compromises to his directive including changing the initiative from a large centralized public pirate bank to a decentralized bank with optional participation located in a highly confidential location known only by fellow pirates. Rather than using the reserve for storage of wealth, it will be used to track transactions between pirates to verify identity, prevent fraud, and protect money from seizure by the British Royal Navy.

These changes were in the council’s benefit as they allowed the committee to pass the directive of The Memento Mori Pirate Reserves by a very narrow majority. The situation moderately divided the committee and resulted in a slight, but evident animosity between the supporters of centralism in piracy and opposers. It is unsure what part this divide may or may not play while dealing with the hostile situation with the British Royal Navy. The situation rapidly develops as we cover the story of Blackbeard’s pirate council.